


Not Quite Perfect

by orphan_account



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe, BPD Kent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Future Fic, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, mentions of abelism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 12:46:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10021352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Sometimes it was great.  Sometimes it was almost perfect, and sometimes it wasn't.  Kent Parson struggles to feel worthy of his boyfriends' affections, even if they never stop trying to let him know he's loved.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RainbowLookingGlass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowLookingGlass/gifts).



> Written for Adrian, whom I love dearly. Hopefully this helps a little.
> 
> Friendly reminder that being mentally ill does not make you a villain. You are just as worthy of love, affection, and forgiveness as anyone is.

Bitty walked into the apartment, startled almost immediately by the utter lack of sound. He knew Jack wouldn’t be back in Providence until later that evening, but Kent had sent a text when his plane arrived hours ago. Bitty at least expected the poppy tones of Brittney, if not a full-on one-man Karaoke party since Kent always had a lot of pent-up energy to work off after the cross-country flight.

Instead the shades were drawn and there was no sign of Kent apart from a pair of black and gold trainers by the door, haphazardly kicked off and to the side of the kitchen table. 

Bitty frowned, peering into the guest room where Kent liked to keep his clothes since he had enough of them he’d run both Jack and Bitty out of the main closet. That being empty, Bitty checked the bathroom, then peered into their master bedroom. At first he saw nothing…then he spotted the lump at the far end of the bed under the covers.

Bitty frowned, confused by Kent’s unusual arrival. He was pretty good about jet lag since he was all over the country with roadies, so it was rare he was exhausted when he got to Providence.

“Sweetheart?” Bitty tried.

The lump shifted, but Kent didn’t say anything.

Bitty crossed the room, came round to Kent’s side of the bed, and he put one hand where he was pretty sure Kent’s ankle was. Kent twitched under Bitty’s fingers, but still didn’t move.

“Baby,” Bitty said. “You wanna tell me what happened?”

There was a long silence and then… “Not really.”

“Okay,” Bitty said, knowing his boyfriend well enough not to push. “You want me to be the big spoon?”

Another silence. “Yes.”

Bitty almost laughed. Instead of that, he kicked off his shoes, let his cardigan fall to the edge of the bed, and shuffled under the covers. Kent was wrapped tight, so Bitty had to inch-worm between the sheets and the mattress until he had the fronts of his knees tucked against the backs of Kent’s. He wriggled his fingers against the side of Kent’s arm until the other man relented, and lifted up just enough for Bitty’s arm to fit snug between Kent’s arm and his hip.

Bitty sighed, pressing a soft kiss to the nape of Kent’s neck. The blanket was still pulled too high for Bitty to see anything, and he didn’t crawl down because the covers made him feel claustrophobic, but he could feel Kent’s breathing even out a little as Bitty tucked up as close as he could manage.

It wasn’t often he was able to help his boyfriends feel small and encompassed, but there were moments he was able to be the big spoon—or as Jack insisted, the jet-pack. Bitty eased the blankets down away from Kent’s face as much as the other man would allow, and he nosed through Kent’s messy cowlicks.

“Whatever happened, sweetheart, you know I’m here. And I’ve got the next two days off, okay?”

“Mhm,” Kent muttered. He shifted back, pressing himself tight against Bitty’s front. 

There was silence for a long time.

“I don’t deserve his forgiveness,” Kent said what felt like hours later.

Bitty, who had started to doze, snapped awake. His hand tightened reflexively on Kent. “I…what? Baby, what are you…?”

“He just…forgave me. He just…he said okay. Like it was nothing, but it wasn’t nothing.”

Bitty blinked, his sleep-fogged brain trying to catch up with what was happening. He shifted up a little higher against the pillows, then brought his fingers into Kent’s hair the way he knew his boyfriend liked so much. He was quiet, letting his actions affirm instead of his words.

“Everyone thinks…they all say he should have just…that he didn’t…” Kent swallowed, breathed like he was supposed to do so his thoughts could catch up with his emotions. “Mental illness isn’t an excuse for hurting the people you care about.”

Bitty felt his chest ache. “Sweetheart…”

“I hurt Jack and no one thinks he should have forgiven me, and I don’t know why he did, Bits. I don’t deserve it.”

Bitty had heard this before. Bitty knew he’d hear this again. Kent struggled with guilt, struggled with feeling worthy of forgiveness. It would always be a point of contention between him and Jack—because Jack had forgiven him. Jack loved Kent and always would, and Kent sometimes understood it. But sometimes his disorder wouldn’t allow him to feel worthy. Especially when sometimes his disorder made things difficult—made him act out, made him lash out.

The last month they were together had been a rough one. Kent splitting on both Jack and Bitty. His attention-seeking had been high, his therapy not going well, his new anti-depressants leaving him with uncomfortable side-effects which only made the situation worse. There would always be moments like that.

It wouldn’t always be perfect.

For every few good visits, there were bad ones. Jack and Bitty knew they were in it for the long-haul. They weren’t going to write Kent off for mistakes.

Kent understood that sometimes.

But sometimes…

“I don’t know how to feel worth it,” Kent admitted.

Bitty sighed, and didn’t say anything right away. He wanted to choose his words carefully, to avoid patronising Kent, to avoid sounding like he was reading from a script instead of speaking from the heart. So he just held him tighter, kissed him along his freckles. Kent turned in Bitty’s arms, and Bitty saw the red-rims round Kent’s grey eyes. He cupped Kent’s cheek, drawing a careful line with his thumb along the edge of Kent’s nose.

“I’ll never understand how hard it is for you, sweetheart. And I know it feels like that, but all I can really do is assure you that we love you, and we’re here, and you’re deserving of forgiveness and love. And it’s okay if you can’t feel it or believe it right now. That doesn’t change anything.”

Kent squeezed his eyes shut and let out a shaking breath. “I just…it was stupid. I went online and was browsing and found that documentary You Can Play did last year. And it’s been long enough you’d think people would get tired of judging. But the comments…”

Bitty didn’t bother reminding Kent he was supposed to stay away from that. It wouldn’t do any of them any good to sink into the dark recesses of comment sections. Bitty hadn’t looked at his youtube comments in months. Maybe years. Definitely not since he, Jack, and Kent had come out. There was no sense in doing that to himself.

“None of those people matter,” Bitty reminded him. “None of them understand our dynamic. They don’t live our lives, they don’t exist in our relationship. The people who matter to us—they understand. That’s who matters.”

“I just…don’t know that he should have let it all go.”

Bitty cocked his head to the side. “Sweetheart, Jack didn’t let anything go. He doesn’t pretend like your past doesn’t exist. What he did was learn from it. He accepted your apology, and he moved on. With you, because you deserve love. You work hard…”

“But I fuck up,” Kent pointed out.

“So does he,” Bitty said. “So do I. Your challenges aren’t the same as mine or Jack’s, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have them.”

Kent swallowed thickly. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to…”

“Baby,” Bitty said, and cupped Kent’s cheek harder. “Do you want a kiss?”

The corner of Kent’s mouth twitched, and he gave a small nod, and turned his face up. Bitty obliged, letting Kent take control of the kiss, letting Kent set the pace, starting and stopping when he was ready. When they broke apart, Bitty pressed his hand over the slow thumping of Kent’s heart.

“It’s always gonna be work,” Bitty reminded him. “But you’re worth the effort.”

Kent closed his eyes and pushed his face into Bitty’s chest. He didn’t say anything, and Bitty knew Kent still felt stormy, but at least he was here.

*** 

By the time Jack was home, Kent was up and moving around. He was still a little foggy, and a little sad, but he’d watched Mean Girls with Bitty and they’d ordered Greek delivery which was half-gone, Jack’s portion in the fridge since he’d eaten with the team after they landed.

Kent had given Bitty the go-ahead to give Jack a head’s up, so Jack was prepared when he walked in.

The two blondes were burritoed up in their favourite duvet—fluffy and down-filled—and they were watching America’s Next Top Model reruns Bitty hadn’t deleted from the DVR. Jack’s face melted into a soft grin, and he didn’t take his eyes off them as he toed off his shoes, tugged his tie down, unbuttoned his shirt, and stripped off his jeans.

He was welcomed into the cuddle pile with open arms, nestling into Kent’s side, letting his hand rest against the small of Bitty’s back.

“Hey Zimms,” Kent said quietly.

Jack smiled, pushing his nose up against Kent’s temple. “Hey.”

“Didja miss me?”

Jack chuckled, tucking Kent closer. “Yeah. I did.”

Kent breathed out, a little shaky, and his face was still drawn but it was obvious he didn’t plan on talking much. Bitty had shouldered most of Kent’s breakdown that afternoon, and Jack had never been more profoundly grateful for his boyfriend’s ever-patient nature.

Jack was never great with words, which had been one of the main reasons things had been such an epic disaster for Jack and Kent in the Q. And if it wasn’t for therapy, and growing up, and the presence of Bitty in their lives, they might never have gotten here.

But they had. Jack was surrounded by more love than he ever thought possible. He had his own bad days, when he found himself drowning in self-doubt, wondering how Kent or Bitty could have forgiven him when his anxiety had him lashing out, when his head was so full and so busy he couldn’t control what he was saying, or how he was feeling. But Kent and Bitty were always there, in the end. They were always ready to make it right and let Jack struggle through words, to make himself understood, and let those moments pass by.

Nothing was ever perfect, but there were moments close enough. Moments Jack would hold on to, like a ballast, keeping them warm and safe.

He wanted to give that to Kent now, as much as he could. He knew Kent would never fully accept Jack’s forgiveness. That wasn’t how Kent’s mind worked. He would need reassurance until the day they died but…well…Jack was willing to give him that. He was willing to put in the time.

“…because you’re worth that,” Jack added, when he realised he was speaking all that aloud.

Kent hummed, sniffling a little though he wasn’t crying. He was holding on tight though, and he had his cheek pressed to the centre of Jack’s chest. “I don’t know why you think I deserve it,” Kent said, “but thanks. For like…giving it to me anyway.”

Jack smiled, and kissed Kent’s temple. “We should go to the beach tomorrow.”

The curve of Kent’s smile pressed into his collar bone as he lifted his head just enough to kiss Jack on the side of the neck. “You just wanna go to that boat museum.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “So what if I do. You spent four hours at the wax museum last month.”

Kent giggled. “You secretly loved it, don’t even pretend like you didn’t. You stared at Hamilton for like…at least half an hour.”

Jack hummed, sniffing a little indignantly, but tightened his grip and grinned at Bitty over the top of Kent’s head.

“You can go look at war boats,” Bitty said, “and Kenny and I will go get funnel cake.”

Jack scowled. “War _ships_.”

Bitty and Kent both groaned at the same time, and Jack dug his fingers into Kent’s ribs until he squirmed back into Bitty’s arms, pulling a tongue at Jack.

“God, you’re such a pain in the ass,” Kent said, but his smile betrayed the words.

Jack put his feet up on the table.

Yeah. Things weren’t perfect, but sometimes they were damn close.


End file.
